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WANTED: Justin Trudeau's DNA
You’ve probably heard the conspiracy theory that Justin Trudeau is Fidel Castro’s bastard son.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to make a full-blown documentary about this theory. Here is my vision: I somehow get access to Justin Trudeau’s DNA (maybe I steal a lock of his hair? fish one of his coffee cups out of the trash?) and then I film myself flying to Cuba where I track down one of Fidel’s children (it shouldn’t be hard, Fidel had at least a dozen kids), and then I test Trudeau’s DNA against theirs.
Tell me that isn’t a compelling story.
If it turns out they aren’t related… great! Trudeau’s been telling the truth all along, and he should be glad to put these baseless conspiracy theories behind him. If it turns out they are related… what a bombshell that would be; a scoop that would shake the foundations of an entire nation. Either way, I would watch this documentary, and I think millions of other people would, too.
It’s just a matter of getting my hands on Trudeau’s DNA.
The lowest hanging fruit is that I frequently visit Ottawa (where I grew up), and I know hundreds of people in that town that frequently see Trudeau casually walking around town. He attends a non-stop deluge of public events, and imbibes many beverages, as humans are inclined to do. I think swiping one of his cups would be the easiest / most feasible way.
Here is an open call to my hundreds/thousands of Karlstack subscribers in Canada: if you ever see Trudeau at an event drinking water or coffee or wine, keep an eye on him, swipe his glass, and send it to me. You’ll be featured in my pie-in-the-sky documentary if you do.
A major problem with this cup-swiping strategy is chain of custody of the DNA — anyone can send any cup and tell me it’s Trudeau’s just to mess with me. Ideally, if you do manage to swipe a cup, then, you’ll have to record an unbroken video of him drinking from it, putting it down, and then you swiping it and immediately putting it into a sterile evidence bag.
This means you would have to follow Trudeau around with a camera at whatever event he is drinking from — I guess this isn’t that crazy, he’s filmed 24/7 at public events, you can pretend it is for Instagram, or whatever — but you’re likely to raise suspicion from his security detail.
Maybe next Federal election would be a good time to follow him around, since that’s when he is most prone to milling about in crowds.
Maybe I will attend some Trudeau campaign rallies.
The Circumstantial Evidence
Justin Trudeau was born on December 25, 1971.
Where was Margaret Trudeau, his mother, 9 months prior to that?
It just so happens that she was on a Caribbean holiday, with reports of visits to various islands in the Caribbean. While Cuba does not appear on an official itinerary, here is a news clipping from April 1971 (~9 months before Justin was born!) that shows she chartered a plane on a quick sidetrip to an “unidentified nearby island.”
This theory is especially plausible because Margaret is a well known “huge slut” (to use the technical term) who famously cucked her husband, Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, multiple times. As written in her 1982 book, Margaret Trudeau had affairs with Jack Nicholson, Ryan O'Neal, Lou Rawls, Geraldo Riviera and maybe even Senator Ted Kennedy. She also slept with multiple members of the Rolling Stones, including both Ronnie Wood and Mick Jagger.
I watched a show on Netflix about Hunter S Thompson. It has a recording of him talking about witnessing Margaret Trudeau in an orgy with a group of Hells Angels. He relates how he thought she was being raped at first but realized it was 'consensual'.
Fidel, for his part, was equally as slutty.
Margaret called Cuban dictator Fidel Castro the “sexiest man I've ever met… what a charmer!” They then passed love notes to each other in the press:
Upon being born, she took baby Justin to visit Fidel.
A few years later, in 1976, Margaret went back to Cuba and shared an overnight jaunt with Fidel.
Castro proposed that, on their last night on the island, he spirit his guests away from officials and the press for an unforgettable stay on Cayo Largo, a small key where they would share a two-bedroom bungalow and a small shed. Margaret begged Trudeau to let her accompany him … Pierre finally agreed she could go.
On that final evening in Cuba … when they had to say their farewells next day, Margaret was overcome by joyful tears. Trudeau commented wryly to his wife: “I’m glad you’re still with me. I thought you would ask for asylum.”
— Biography of Pierre Trudeau
When Fidel Castro passed away in 2016, Justin put out a glowing statement about the brutal dictator. This raised eyebrows and caused a scandal.
Justin is 6’3’’, Fidel is 6’'3’’, Pierre is 5’9’’, and Margaret is 5’’6’.
Perhaps the most compelling evidence, if true — which is a big “if” — is a handwritten suicide note purportedly left by the eldest legitimate son of Fidel Castro, Fidel Castro Diaz-Balart, 68, a nuclear scientist:
“My father was always comparing me unfavourably with Justin and dismissing my achievements in comparison to his success in Canada. But what I to do? I am Cuban. My brother is Canadian. If he was born and raised in Cuba, he would have lived in our father’s shadow forever just like me.”
I was unable to verify the veracity/source of this suicide note, but Canadian media was lightning-quick to dismiss it as fake news. The Cuban government has never substantiated the existence of any such suicide note.
That didn’t stop this unsourced quote from flying around Twitter.
Is it Legal to Steal the Prime Minister’s DNA?
If I went to Russia and followed Putin around with a camera and constantly tried to steal his cups, you can be sure that Russian henchmen would rough me up and throw me in the gulag — or much worse. They’re so paranoid that when he travels, Putin famously carries a suitcase filled with his own pee and poo, out of fear that someone will harvest it for analysis if he leaves it in the toilet.
The United Kingdom criminalized the acquisition of DNA without consent in 2006. Section 45 of the UK’s Human Tissue Act creates a new offense of “DNA theft,” prescribing a penalty of up to 3 years imprisonment, a fine, or both.
This law follows a widely publicized 2002 plot to steal hair from Prince Harry to see whether he was really Prince Charles’s genetic child. The results of this DNA test were to be sold to a foreign newspaper.
The United States has a patchwork of laws governing gene theft. Five states impose fines or short jail sentences (it’s not a felony), while five other states empower the victims of gene snatchers to sue in civil court.
Elizabeth Joh, a professor of law at UC Davis, writes that “Alaska’s law is probably the most comprehensive. It prohibits anyone from “collect[ing] a DNA sample from a person, perform[ing] a DNA analysis on a sample, retain[ing] a DNA sample or the results of a DNA analysis, or disclos[ing] the results of a DNA analysis unless the person has first obtained the informed and written consent of the person.”
Is Canada more lax than Russia, UK, and Alaska? The answer, I think, is yes, probably. Upon review I can find no Canadian law criminalizing DNA theft — it appears that the nonconsensual collection and analysis of another person’s DNA is virtually unconstrained by Canadian law.
The closest thing I can find is Canada’s Genetic Non-Discrimination Act, passed in 2017, which makes it illegal to force someone to get DNA testing, or share their results, to sign a contract or to buy something. This law is specifically limited to employment and commerce.
That’s not to say that there aren’t other criminal statutes that could be applied to me if I were to steal Justin Trudeau’s DNA. It’s not crazy to think that traditional criminal laws are expansive enough to cover this, and I’m sure they could find some vector of legal recourse — I am an amateur in Canadian law, but my biggest takeaway is that Canadian law can be whatever any random judge decides it should be. They seem to make it up on the fly, and apply it capriciously.
I’ve already done the cost-benefit calculation in my head, and I’ve decided that I am willing to risk any criminal charges that stealing Trudeau’s DNA would entail. Going to jail for this scoop would be worth it, and if anything, my imprisonment would simply Streisand-effect my efforts. Bring it.
Beyond legal channels, I am also wary of extrajudicial punishment.
For example, in 2021 a Republican operative named Anton Lazarro harvested congresswoman Ilhan Omar’s DNA from a cigarette she smoked, and used that DNA to determine that she married her brother.
“There is a 99.999998 percent chance that Omar and her second husband, Ahmed Elmi, now her ex-husband, are siblings, according to an analysis by British company Endeavor DNA Laboratories.”
12 hours after publishing his DNA findings, Lazzaro was arrested on federal sex trafficking charges.
We’re even offering $1,000,000 USD if Ilhan will take a DNA test herself to prove the facts on this website are not 100% authentic. She can have the money herself, or give it to a charity, PAC, etc.
I am not saying he is innocent or guilty of sex crimes — I don’t know enough about the details, and he maintains his innocence, saying he is the victim of "selective prosecution.”
What I do know is that Lazzaro’s been locked up in Sherburne County Jail for the last 16 months, and it’s awfully suspicious timing, is all. He embaresses a politician by stealing her DNA and (ostensibly) proving that she married her brother, and twelve hours later he is rotting in jail on what appear to be (again, I don’t know the facts of the legal case) trumped-up charges.
All this to say, I wouldn’t put it beyond the Canadian globalist regime to make up some BS charges to go after me if I were to steal Trudeau’s DNA. In fact it’s probably stupid of me to announce my intentions in advance, but whatever.
Is it Moral to Steal the Prime Minister’s DNA?
The short answer is: no. On the face of it, it’s clearly unethical and an egregious violation of privacy to steal someone’s DNA and to release it to the world. I know that.
I’m especially attuned to this violation of genetic autonomy because I myself don’t know who my biological father is — I was offered the chance to find out by taking a DNA test, and I turned it down. I would be beyond outraged if someone made that choice for me.
That being said, Justin Trudeau isn’t just my enemy, I consider him the mortal enemy of Western civilization. The “culture war” isn’t just hyperbole; it’s a real war, and in war exceptional measures must be taken. The moral question, then, isn’t whether or not it’s moral to steal DNA… it’s whether or not the ends justify the means. In wartime, is it acceptable to commit a wrong for the greater good? Was it moral for America to nuke Nagasaki & Hiroshima during WW2? This is a quandry as old as time itself; we aren’t going to solve it in this Substack article.
An example of this would be Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Defending his participation in a plot to assassinate Adolph Hitler, Bonhoeffer stated, “What is worse than doing evil is being evil.” This gets to the same idea in Dante’s Inferno, that the hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of moral crisis preserve their neutrality.
I certainly consider Canada to be in moral crisis.
Can I simply declare that we are in a moral crisis, and that extraordinary steps need to be taken? Let’s say I consider Trudeau extremely evil; a malignant cancer upon all that is good and noble. The problem with this "ends justify the means" rationale is that it puts the law into the hands of human beings, and makes the law subjective. Someone who considers Donald Trump evil could just as easily use this same rationale to assassinate Trump, and then consider themselves a good person.
I conclude that stealing Justin Trudeau’s DNA is righteous as long as it’s not for my personal glorification, but rather for the glorification of the truth. It may be hubris to think I can accomplish this, but sometimes a certain level of delusional hubris is required to accomplish great things.
So What if Trudeau is Castro’s Son? Who cares?
Let’s say that I prove Trudeau is Castro’s son. Who cares? A man makes his own destiny, independent of whoever happens to be his biological father. Justin Trudeau could just as easily have grown up to be the next Milton Friedman or Jordan Peterson despite Castro being his father, and he should be judged on his own merits.
Unfortunately, Justin Trudeau grew up to be a communist dictator. If he turns out to be the son of the most famous communist dictator in history, I think that is relevant. Men find their identity & ideology from their father.